Solitude

It's Sunday.

Approaching the end of day and wondering if I'm going to try and cook rice or noodles on my little hot plate. I'm contemplating my life, my decisions about life, my adventures, my future.....

Isn't that what everyone does after two days of near complete solitude? Funny thing, solitude. What it does to your mind and thoughts, taking you places that you think are not reasonable, yet they feel so appealing when you arrive there, like they are supposed to fit.

My little class of toddlers is shaping up nicely and we are falling into a routine finally, but my purpose here still confuses me. The differences in teaching are still hard to understand and accept, being so different from what I had previously learned and the studies I have read about educating young children. Not that I am convinced either is exactly right, but needing to understand what makes people believe so strongly in either thought process. And does that belief in and of itself create the desired end result?
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I'm reading a book called Americanah by a Nigerian author named Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I'm reveling in how alike our personalities seem to be; outspoken, unconventional, edgy, adventurous, challenging. Those traits that seem to stand out when you are with others, whether alone or in a group. Those traits that cause people to either very much like you, or very much not. Is it my 'red-head' genes? My upbringing? My astrological sign?

The character is a Nigerian who comes to America to go to college. She arrives as a young woman just at the beginning of adulthood and immediately starts to learn the many things that she does not know about this new culture, as I am also doing right now here in Nigeria (only I'm way older).

While being faced with so much unknown I question myself. What am I doing and what do I want, and why don't I have an acceptance of a path in life that others seem to have? One that makes a person stick with something long enough to realize the benefits of the effort. Is it as simple as enjoying the journey more than the outcome, or is it something more?

I wonder what creates such questioning in myself. Why can't I seem to 'read between the lines' in life as other people seem to know how to do? It's not that I am so dissatisfied. I enjoy my life and myself in it, following my heart just a little more than I follow my head. But there is a constant uneasiness that weighs on me, and even at my age, I still can't pinpoint where it comes from or what is at the root of it.

So tomorrow is the third day of this long weekend, and I am hoping that it will be the day I can get out for a bit. I want to browse and shop in an unhurried manner. Have the time to really take things in. Get some fresh vegetables from the stand on the side of the road, the same way you would pull off Highway 5 going between Los Angeles and Sacramento. And I'm stilling craving pizza from last week when I learned that there is a Domino's here, maybe tomorrow will be the day to finally get some!!